"Dog, I was having nervous breakdowns, Like 'Man - these niggaz that much better than me?' "

There's no one to share this moment with. I've got a picture of James Joyce by me, and Darwin, and Muhammed Ali, and Kerouac. They don't talk much, but they're a constant reminder of what's possible with courage and an open mind. Tommorrow I'm going to pop a bottle of champagne, by myself, and listen to Manu Chao. Pumping my fist or jumping in the air once for every time I lost my nerve and found it again. I know going back to school isn't some final victory, I've really only made it to the trailhead, but I think it was Talib Kwali who said "If you don't celebrate then there's no reason to fight". There's a PhD somewhere up ahead, and I'll be drinking champagne then too.

I'm fresh out of the college of engineering, something I was never enthusiastic about. I could posit a thousand reasons on why I chose that path, but I'm not ashamed to say I wanted financial freedom. You see, I spent most of my formative years a slave to small debts, my main benefactor lording every benefit over me. The constant bug in my ear about failure and the cost of living. I rebelled as much as I could, ending up in the back of cop cars and the like, and that bug started telling me that I had become a failure. You might say I did all this, worked my ass off to be an engineer, to prove that voice wrong. I'm not greedy and all my money goes to the mission, but I make more money than the cop that jabbed me with his night stick now. I make more money than these adult bullies who told me I was nothing 4 years ago. Money is one language those people understand, and if you listen really close mine says "Fuck You".


But I digress. I'm going back to school now. To get a degree in something I've been practicing since I can remember. When I moved out of the suburbs my mom showed me a story I had written on construction paper with crayon when I couldn't have been older than 6 or 7. I've done a lot of things in my life: made a lot of friends, changed a lot of minds, earned the love of a great person, gained a lot of knowledge. But maybe my personal favorite accomplishment is what I'm going to set my alarm for tommorrow. I made it mom, I can do whatever I want now. And I'm happy. I hope you're proud of me.

»»  read more

To a giant, a torchbearer, a friend

JKS:

What is brilliance? Really? There's this assumption amongst those of us who are not brilliant that those endowed with this adjective ar the "lucky" ones. Our time together together forces me to scoff at this claim. Brilliance is not luck in any sense of the word. I do not mean that this quality has no genetic foundations, but that it is enflamed by a choice in life. A smart man chooses to be brilliant when he seeks to understand himself fully and further to crystallize this awareness with a perspiration that extends beyond mere work. Brilliance, I learned from you, is not a state of being; it is a lifestyle, a relentless pursuit of individual, and eventually universal, truth. It is, I dare say, a religion dedicated to the power of the mind.

Just as well, brilliance is not analogous to hitting some ephemeral jackpot. It ensurs a life of demands, of burdens, of late nights alone and tired. It is not easy. In this way it seems offensive to call your "fortune" mere luck. It was neither simply given to you nor shall it lead to a life a blissful comfort. If it were not for individuals such as yourself, we would still be picking bugs from one another's hair. WE are the lucky ones, your brilliance is a gift to US. Above all I am grateful for your existence, and reflect on our mutual influence as a point of great pride.

I, as you well recall, entered your world. I elbowed myself some room in a fellaheen cavern your particular band of suburbanites had claimed in the 'hood. Itching for acceptance, opportunistic, giddy at the chance to prove myself amongst a group that demanded so much from its members. Confident that I had something to offer in the way of a philosophy or an edict or at least some diasporic drum to beat as we fought off crackheads and swilled cheap beer. I wound up on the winning end, even with respect to your commentary, I feel I derived so much more from the experience than I contributed. I am who I am today because of my two years spent maximizing potential with you and your community.

People's fondest memories are often of cliched events that occur to one degree or another in everyone's life. Marriage, the birth of children, graduation from college (hold on, I'll come back to that one). Many of my fondest memories, and granted they are not all crystal clear, are of half-intoxicated conversations with yourself about the fundamental truths of life. We dug as deep as two young men could some of those nights, and although we were seldom unaided, I credit your relentlessness, your wit, and your disdain for convention. We left few stones unturned in those days, and even now as I come across new ones I question what your opinion might be. I have come, in my cynicism, to eschew what others might do; you being the sole exception.

There was always the sense that the chaos we held in our hands during those times was far too instable, far too beautiful to maintain itself. That there'd be some inevitable explosion sending many of us to far-flung lands to spread this vague and powerful gospel. It has indeed happened in the blink of an eye, and I attest that we're all gradually becoming the people we really are.

I can't say I was stridently criticized, but I've always felt the implication that I was too serious in my opinions and ambitions. Our friendship, based on an understanding steeped in the sort of all-encompassing scope I've always tried to think in, showed me an example that contradicted this creeping feeling. The most successful individual I knew was likewise one of the few individuals I felt matched or exceeded my seriousness. We all spend our lives trying to ignore the future, thus it is so rare too find someone simultaneously living ahead of us and thriving in this time. Your nod of approval to the occasional thing I've done has been more encouraging then the heaviest of compliments.

We'll keep in touch, on the fringes between doing our thing. Providing one another reports on the successes we're having, the ignorance we struggle with, the brand new things we create. So much is expected of you, sir, that the burden must be nearly overwhelming. I know that this is your optimal environment. There is not option of failure, it's not even mentioned; The question is how high will you fly? I expect nothing but the utmost, and in fact I think we may be doomed without it.

_________________________________________________________

As an aside and an afterthought I wanted to bring up a tiny little story from our recent past. Do you recall graduation day? The bullshit ceremony with self-entitle foreigners disrupting a half-assed ceremony. Remember how we took our families to dinner together, our folks with nothing to say to one another? There was a hugely symbolic moment there, somewhere between fending off a desperate crackhead while our parents tried to snap pictures and returning from yet another ceremony to wax in the sunlight and pack a celebratory bong. This may be a cliched event, but there was nothing stereotypical about that day or a million others. I will never forget it.

»»  read more

Singularity, Sustainability, and Standardization

There was a time when a Saturday night spent alone bothered me. When I felt that it somehow relflected on my social health or my adherence to Their System. Weekends served as the requisite balance of a week in "the shit" as a veteran might say. With both a moderately stressful job and the constant spectre of academics I frequently felt inclined to rampage around the confines of my living room and stamp out all my frustration.

Things now are different. My job is not stressful and the only negative aspect presently is that it consumes too much of my day. School is just beginning, but as I'm diving into it with an enthusiam unprecedented in my academic career I welcome all manner of burdens. This evening I selected to stay out of the fray. I wanted to stay home and read and collect my head. Think about the singularity and how to cut through the obstacles that hamper us. Think about how to do something as new as possible. Think about the shimmering future.

I'm reading a book called The Ecology of Commerce, something I'd recommend to anyone. It poses an argument that may have once seemed intolerably hippy-esque, and yet is conceptualized in such a way that I believe it would make an impression on even hardened business men. (In fact it has, see this documentary http://throwawayyourtv.com/2006/08/corporation.html ) It does not inveigh capitalism or suggest a impractical return to Adamite communal living. The author in fact extolls the value of capitalism because he feels that it has often led to innovation and that it more closely aligns with human nature. He believes the concept must be extrapolated, however, to be more about the total value of a good or service handled in commerce. We, via the tools of business, are stripping the planet of resources at an alarming rate, this is undisputed, but what is interesting is the offset of costs from the importer to the exporter. America has relatively high environmental standards, for example, but that's merely because we can push off all of our nastiest work onto another country. His essential point is that our consumer culture, because it represents the resources we obtain from the earth and the energy/materials etc that we return to it, represent our ecological footprint. And that without a sense of balance in this we are bound, in reality by proven scientific concepts in the fields of biology and ecology, to destroy ourselves. The eventual penalty for causing an imbalance in our fragile ecosystem may take generations to play out, and in fact it may already be to late to convert to sustainability.

What I find most interesting about this book so far is that he almost shrugs off the modern environmentalist movement. Well-intentioned, he thinks, but trying to put out such small fires that it really accomplishes very little. The author's solution to this is hopefully forthcoming, but at some point I think it becomes consumer choice. What kinds of products does one buy? How much energy does one consume? The thought occurs to me that we have a very difficult time even obtaining those sorts of metrics. Sure, we can ride a bike to work instead of drive a car, but how much energy is consumed to produce the sandwich we eat at lunch. How much energy (and I'm not talking simply fossil fuels here but total energy, a portion of the limited amount the sun has showered us with over the last few billion years) is behind me typing this sentence?

The first step a government could take in such an effort would be to somehow standardize a unit that represents energy requirement for production. It could be made up of pre-defined categories. For example a value per unit weight for transportation, a couple appropriate typical values for agricultural products by unit weight (meat would have one, wheat another, etc), a energy per unit weight for other materials (plastic, metal, wood, rubber, etc). Essentially come up with a list of values that covers as much as possible, fairly generally. Then, require manfacturers to include the actual cost of things, in this sense, on their label. Since all the values are predefined the manufacturer simply has to enter data about his product into a spreadsheet and have it spit out the overall energy value. Even better, with the increasing power of computers you could stratify energy costs by geography or other variables.

Something similar to this could also be established for pollution.

Would this work? I have no idea. It would be hard to implement of course, but then again we have nutritional facts on virtually all of our food and that doesn't seem to be breaking the banks of the government or food manufacturers, but who knows? What is for certain is that consumer choice will not be as powerful as it can be until consumers have the facts available to them to make a choice. What is also for certain is that we are a democracy and as nation spend an ungodly amount of money, so if we demanded this it would eventually happen. Think big business would go for it?

»»  read more

Pro-gress

I've crossed something of a threshold. I've written just about 70 pages on my book and, as I predicted, my thoughts on things have changed significantly. I'm actually fairly happy with the way it has turned out thus far and the storyline seems to have become stronger as I add elements or modify things along the way. These subtle changes, however, have led up to the need for a serious re-thinking of the book. It has in no way been killed, but I now need to find a way to artfully shoehorn new "things" into it. I'm going here this weekend to breathe some fresh air and think about it and read through it several times. If anyone is bored and would like to read it (I would say a full read-through might take something like an hour and a half) and give me some constructive critique I would be eternally grateful. Let me know and I can e-mail the whole thing in a PDF or something.

»»  read more

Safe in Heaven Dead

I saw a documentary on Kerouac last night that painted him in a way I had never quite seen. Or perhaps my opinion of the man and his work has matured out of adoration to genuine analysis and critique. Reviewing some of his words, I still find them uplifting in the most profound way something can be. Exuberant in joy to the point of suffering for it, post-modern anguish to the point of joy.

What I saw in him, and heard from those who knew him and some that were around when the cultural bomb of On the Road came out, was that he held in his hands the dual traumas of wanting nothing more in life than to be taken seriously as a writer and the refusal to accept convention. He could, say his contemporaries, "write in any style you want". He choose to write exactly what he wanted with no capitulation to expectancy or form.

His slide into the alcoholism that would eventually contribute to his death was a result of his impossible success. He was trying to kill himself the only way a good Catholic can. There was nothing left to do.

»»  read more

Eccentric Crackheads and Moss-Covered Statues

Wheel freely if not
in the name of speakeasies.
Repping self-same
hands dealt over the buzz
the crowd felt.

Be numbed by divine wealth for
how seldom we sell
grand stories to ourselves.
Crumbled statues of Luke and of Matthew,
pelted the path you will
follow, for the way is
no longer circuituous and black
and no longer deemed foolish is it to laugh,

---

Without recourse,
battle-hardened conquistadors
crashed faces, razed planted acres
and destroyed more than mere
stories on paper.

Erected billboards to
celebrate heroics, but now
the gummint owes to
an ill-formed corp. Known for
broadcasting secrets in the form
of Agnostic preaching.
Its like we can't even keep
this war from reaching the people.
The truth leaks thru holes,
that we can't even see thru.

»»  read more

Practical Ways to Prepare for the Coming Resource-Apocalypse

It has in fact arisen several times in casual conversation at work. The looming possiblity that the fossil fuels we depend on for every single component of our lives may run out. Or, comically more tragic, we will destroy ourselves in efforts to obtain more by the barrel of our guns.

Its common consensus among the well-educated in our society, even moreso as one flees the bloated corspes of the manufacturing industry in the midwest, that a gradual shift towards alternative fuels (including nuclear) could have saved us. Especially if it had been initiated 20 years ago.

While I like to believe that we will find some solution to this problem in the very short term, the optimist in me blanches at the horrors the realist describes. Every aspect of our life is dependent on petroleum. Our personal vehicles run on them, our goods are shipped in diesel-burning trucks, nearly everything we touch is made from polycarbonates. And there is evidence that the stuff is running out, or at least running dry in the areas that we've been getting it for a generation or more. Some experts predict that, with the development of China, we could see critical depletion before the end of our lives without a sharp turn towards consciousness.

I don't intend to pose any radical solutions, though I've heard of many and could make a case for a brighter future. I am currently much more interested in the shift in the human dynamic that would occur as a result of this. Indeed, it is a problem overwhelmingly nebulous in nature. What would the circumstances be? How gradual of a shift? What would the stages of societal change be, and how would one affect the next? What other global problems will complicate matters?

In America at least, we could expect a gradual increase in prices. There would be further outcry from the public, of course, efforts to further develop doomed energy infrastructures such as hydrogen, revisions to gas taxes, hopefully a consumer demand for more efficient vehicles. The costs of all goods would increase in proportion to this increase in gas costs. It will begin to cost more to fly. I think it would take a long time before the cost of plastics became noticeable, but I guarantee in this scenario you would eventually see the price per pound of plastic as an international consensus on value much like gold or silver now.

Within America's borders we would see an increased striation between the haves and the have-nots. Certain individuals would be able to carry on "normal" lives for extended periods of time. Being able to finance not only fuel costs but the purchase of alternative fuel machinery. A political conspiracist might argue that the cost of any machinery using alternative fuels may be kept prohibitively high. I don't know if I would make such a claim or not.

Enough pressure in this situation (add global pandemic of your choice whether it be AIDs, global warming, population, pollution, the fallout of nuclear war) and the breeding ground for revolution is created. It seems that uprisings occur when one nation (say the US) is so divided in measurable terms that it becomes two unique entities. Those with resources and those without.

What an exciting time to live in, I have to admit. Not that I would look forward to warfare on our streets. But to experience such a monument in human history, to have it all (as a society) and lose it because we couldn't see the writing on the wall. We would have to bear responsibility; all of us. And admit that, in reality, we maybe didn't deserve this fantastic world we created for ourselves.

»»  read more

All Systems Go

The last remnants of measurable contact with the home planet are fading, I'll grant that. The last qualified arrangements with labels in booktitle English have permanently switched to default, ordinary. If I ever belonged to some sprawling empire, or postmodern tribe (pick your metaphor) my membership card is becoming gradually invalid. There are still vibrant communications, still sounding boards that I test my illusions on, still drinking partners that I couldn't be more excited to talk to. But things are drastically different now. I'm in the interzone between that glorious configuration of time and space ; poised and ready to paint the world I now live in bright orange. Filling out the preliminary paperwork to leave a streak across the Pacific Northwest. Perhaps my number has finally been called.

We made a decision that was for the best, her and I. And I think whatever temporary dream we posted was merely our attempt to return some normalcy and familiarity to the daunting and fluctuating present. We've thought better of it; practically grown-ups now with teeth-gritting resolve to do what is in our best interest. Willing to cast our seeds into the wind, yes, but only once we're confident that they will take root. The best of luck to us both.

I have a new influence in my life; and its difficult to believe it has sought me out so diligently. They provide perspective for this "thing" that I'm doing. A role model for levity, a critical ear, a notice that this life is in fact wide open. I expect nothing out of it and thus am pleasantly surprised. I plan nothing for it, and thus get everything I want plus more. If I've learned anything its the value of steering impulse; that is the beauty inherent in spontaneity and the cold thrill of gambling on hints and flutters. Oh life.

I haven't met my summer challenge, purposely defined as overly aggressive and mind-numbing. Not that I made no attempt, or am even truly giving in now; but I learned a great deal in this summer. Made changes organically within myself at a rate I never thought possible. Learned that I will never write the GAN until I accept the dual traumas that I can and that I'm not yet ready. Perhaps this is a time to experiment and learn, what I might call research and development, rather than a time to shift into full production. I have so much to learn about the Word, and its coming to me in an incremental ecstasy. Besides, what one writes is made up of the chaos and beauty of their life; elements stifled by long nights in the basement. Although there have been a great deal of those as well.

That being said, I still am working fairly diligently on my novel. Its making more sense now, and less sense. Its being crowded out by other inspirations, by poetry, by the unbelievably humbling novels that I am reading. And admittedly by the successes I am having professionally and socially. But its never far from my mind, and what's more I'm finally beginning to feel qualified to speak on these themes.

Defunct priority set
for a priori fretting 'bout death
Disregard dishonor like poker
players laying bets.
Accept a far-flung concept of courage,
though the internal workings
proved inept at best.
These are the presets for
descent living in the US.
These are the meaningless jabs
at getting ahead.
These are the demons I think of
lying in bed.

»»  read more