" . . . and he who wants to create beyond himself has the purest will." -Nietzche

When I was a younger man, a child really, I used to write myself antagonistic letters to read several years hence. They were mean, optimistic, unapologetic, confrontational, inspirational, and, to me reading them now, powerful. They listed the pitfalls of conventional life; screamed at me not to fall into the well-worn traps of television, addiction, greed, terrified love, laziness. They made sweeping generalizations, knowing full-well my ideas would evolve, but demanded that I never lose tenacity. I threatened all manner of impossiblities should I transform into any stereotype or give up on what I think may be my only actual talent.

The point is this: we all know that there is something we should be doing. We may not know exactly how to get there, or what the signs will be on the way; but if you search your feelings (as much as I shy away from relying on emotion) honestly you will find that there is one thing in which you can find satisfaction. This is not to say that you may not find great loves or grandeous and beautiful distractions; but as each year passes with the dream unpursued (whether you realize it or not) the colors of your life will grow darker and darker.

I am about to leave my home for a place that, while not altogether unfamiliar, holds more questions than answers. I am leaving behind a great many loved ones, colleagues, vivid memories and opportunities. My heart wrenches at the disruption this will cause not only to them but my own comfort. My sole consolation, in all of this, is that I am working on my dreams. And my sole pride in this decision is that, despite the tears, 16 year-old tkhoveringhead would be proud of me.

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Summer Challenge

Below is a table detailing the goals for the participants in the Summer Challenge. These goals are to be completed by or maintained until 9/1/2006. To the winners, the glory of a life well-lived. To the losers, a shame to beat all shames. Good luck! If you'd like the code for this table or if you have updates, let me know!

Summer Challenge
NAME	GOAL	PROGRESS
Brad	140pgs. complete on novel	35pgs
Joe	12hrs/week guitar	---
Chris	Int'l Travel II	---
Alan	Like 5 rap albums	ATCQ: Low-end Theory
Alyssa	16 works of art	---
Tiffany	Glorious adventure w/Chris	---
Joe O.	Mackinac Race II	---
Ryan	Be 180 lbs.	---
Matt	50 pgs of Existential journal	---
Alisha	Drink a 40oz Do a kegstand Write some stories	---

Good Luck!

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Last Words

If you've little plans to see me in the next two weeks, consider me gone. That's the precipice, right there, watch your step.

The first word is agony; for the loved ones I leave behind. Not merely family, but the talent of individuals I've surrounded myself with. You are the perhaps the smartest, most diverse and life-embracing group of people I will ever know. I will miss you all tremendously. This extends to someone I've just met but won't have the opportunity to really know. Most of all this extends to someone in particular who knows exactly how I feel and has heard enough of it directly. Forgive me, I'm just trying to give you the longest goodbye hug in history.

The second word is hope; all anticipation points towards a path I agree on. Finally feel like decisions are my own for better or worse. Phase 2 of a 15 year plan, and it seems that all systems are go. Everything is lined up for the life I scripted 5 years ago, could this emptiness in my stomach be that I fear accomplishing my goals? If our life is composed of our struggle . . .who are we when we finally win?

Another word is excitement; headed irrevocably to a beautiful place I decided I loved a long time ago. I will be drinking champagne in hot springs, visiting the Pacific Ocean on the weekend, and carving out a niche in a community I only barely understand. I will be going back to school nearly immediately to study the art I've been committed to nearly since birth.

The last word is anxiety. Its happening all too quickly. But I realize that no time could be better. The place is here, the time is now.

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Talons that Go Unnamed

I have put up all completed chapters here.
(summary isn't up yet) Any material related to it will be on that page from now on. Thanks!

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I am an Engineer. In my profession I take deep pride. To it I owe solemn obligations.

Since the Stone Age, human progress has been spurred by the engineering genius.

Engineers have made usable Nature's vast resources of material and energy for Humanity's benefit. Engineers have vitalized and turned to practical use the principles of science and the means of technology.

Were it not for this heritage of accumulated experience, my efforts would be feeble.
As an engineer, I pledge to practice integrity and fiar dealing, tolerance and respect; and to uphold devotion to the standards and the dignity of my profession, conscious always that my skill carries with it the obligation to serve humanity by making the best use of Earth's precious wealth.

As an Engineer, I shall participate in none but honest enterprises.

When needed, my skill and knowledge shall be given without reservation for the public good.
In teh performance of duty and in fidelity to my profession, I shall give my utmost.

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Bracing Results in this Grand Experiment

One night, pushing up to the edifice, soon to be stranger associates and I spelled out the glorious destruction of our pasts in heckling, table-pounding, and an organic and futile fatalism that must have just as well echoed in the Forum the day before Rome burned. You see, we are poised. Ready for something unspecific.

We stumbled into the pub of my choosing, a fringe element to a formerly thriving 'hood that was wholly unsuited for tourists. For I am not a tourist in this place any longer. It was to be our last couple pitchers, having already burned thru our meagre budgets. But we were cognizant that soon they would be growing. The place itself was all old folks, but not tired veterans pushing back and forth checkers chips. These old men and women had lived every day of their lives, superfluous or narrow perhaps, but tenaciously alive.

One of the old men, vibrant eyes and a plastic cup of whiskey, approached our table and commanded respect: "I'm Eddie" he said "I own this place." And he took a seat determined to transplant some street-level advice to younger hims. Not as a drill sergeant, but as a wise old man. As he routed the first free pitcher our way he issued a disclaimer: "I don't know much. But just hear me out on this. I know I'm a little drunk, but from the bottom of my heart: I love you guys." We prodded him, he hadn't even officially met us. "Shut up! What I mean is, I see guys like you and I just wish I could do something to help. You're doing whatever you do and you have the whole world at your fingertips." He was ineloquent, granted, but he had some thing to say. We spent an hour with this man, drinking pitcher after pitcher of his beer, and he told stories about binging with world-champion baseball players and putting out warehouse fires. As the end approached, with no other customers, Eddie admitted to us that he still looked back on his life with regret, there is always more that could be done.
As we went out the back way, in the sterilizing spread of streetlights above us, Eddie brought us into one last drunken huddle.
"Listen, I'll probably never see any of you sunuvabitches again, but take this from Eddie. I'm just old Eddie. Life is to short to do anything but what you want. Just go out there and do it. Don't listen to these assholes. Alright, just live and love and laugh. Ahh shit." He swigged his whiskey and staggered to his Cadillac. My companions had already started to drift towards our conveyance and as a final gesture I hugged this sweaty old bastard and said these words into his ear: "You have served your community Eddie. You've got great kids, you've put out fires and you run a fucking great bar. You are a good man." He looked at me tearfully and we went our seperate ways. Him to finish out his life and watch his grandkids grow up. Me to "Just go out there and do it".

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